Flipping Out

Let’s just be real here. Parenting with the first child is totally a learn-as-we-go-along experience. My husband and I have laughed many times about our many trial and error moments in parenting! Sometimes things accidentally work out great and other times, even with planning and calculation our best ideas are a giant flop. Don’t worry, we’ve apologized to our oldest child. :)

Against that backdrop, we entered into the era of cell phones.  Our then eleven year old daughter was babysitting a lot and many families no longer have a landline, making a cell phone a must. The whole cell phone conversation caught us by surprise and happened earlier than we originally imagined it would. (We seriously thought she would enter the cell phone phase when she got a car.)

As we began to look for the best deals on phones, we found several used iPhones at a very low cost. My husband and I are both iPhone users, and know how much we love our phones, so we chose a used iPhone that cost a very small amount. To say our daughter was excited is an understatement, she was thrilled! Thus began our season of parenting with handheld devices.

At first, the phone was used for the things we expected: phone calls, texting and taking photos. What we hadn’t expected was the new constant conversations we would have with her about apps and games that she “just had to have”, that “all her friends were using” and “she had to be able to message/play/join” them. We suddenly became parents that were saying “no” a lot more often, and having discussions about this device far more than we wanted. What started as something meant to help our family and our daughter, in reality became a new battle ground. As parents who truly desire to “pick our battles” we felt stuck. These new battles were almost daily, and we hated the conflict they caused, but also refused to say “yes” to many of her arguments, simply to keep the peace.

With the new apps and games came a new level of responsibility for our daughter, who, mind you was only eleven. We put security settings on the phone, but it wasn’t so much that she was doing anything wrong on her phone (although even Instagram and Pinterest have very inappropriate photos and Memes on them). What was causing all the tension, was her constant requests and accusations that “everyone else has this” app or “everyone else” is able to spend this amount of time on their phones.

As we talked about how we should respond, we also talked about the fact that neither of us had a smart-phone until we were in our 30s...and we both admitted to the fact that having a device like that can be a very real distraction. Our daughter was constantly checking her phone, on her phone or talking about her phone (rather, arguing about phone rules, etc.) This was not the kind of home environment we desired. We had worked for too many years, trying to create an atmosphere of peace in our home, to have a device ruin it.

“But what do we do, she needs a phone.”  Aha! That’s the answer, she needs a phone. Getting back to the original reason behind this dilemma, gave us the answer we needed!

Our daughter needed a way to communicate with others. Period. Somehow in all of this drama, we’d forgotten there were other means to call and text. Enter the flip phone. Hallelujah!

The flip phone does exactly what we need it to do: makes calls and sends text messages. It costs much less to purchase and the monthly bill is very small. (This same effect could happen with a smartphone without the data plan, however, just the fact that the phone can do more than what you are paying for, seems to create the same tension.)

I won’t lie, the initial response to this “new phone” was most likely what you would expect...not pretty (but that's a story for a whole other parenting post!). However, this response was extremely short lived and was replaced with simplicity! I cannot adequately explain the transition. The phone no longer seemed to “own” her - she didn’t carry it around constantly and check it every 30 seconds - there was nothing to see. She left it on a counter and when a text came in, she heard it and responded, end of story. The discussions about apps and games completely stopped and her time was filled again with reading, art, schoolwork and all the things it was filled with before she had a smartphone. Her attitude also improved greatly! There was no longer a need for her to be upset with us when we reminded her she needed to get off of her phone, because it wasn’t an issue. Why hadn’t we thought of this sooner?!? Parenting lesson 132,456 for us!

Our oldest is now fourteen and still has the flip phone. She occasionally mentions that she would like an iPhone for group texts, iMessage and pictures, but doesn’t hound us, and it definitely isn’t a fight. Honestly, we will most likely get her a smartphone in the next couple of years, because they can be a helpful tool...but we are in no hurry. Life is simple right now and we are grateful. (And daughter number two is now taking her flip phone with her when she babysits.) ;)